On Friendships

It’s a fact that women have more complicated relationships with each other. Probably more complicated than they have with men...Probably. What i have come to understand in my time on earth is that the definition of friendships differs depending on the type of personality one is dealing with.

Some girls want to be friends with you solely based on what they can get from you or what you can do for them. I know people say its wise to choose your friends but if people choose friends based on what they can gain from them, is that really a good foundation to build a friendship on? It is also advised to surround yourself with people you can learn from/benefit from/become a better person around but since everyone’s idea of ‘becoming better’ differs, couldn’t this potentially invite exploitative personalities into your life?

For example girl A could choose her friends based on what she could gain socially, materially etc. To her, climbing the social ladder and wearing (borrowing) expensive things may be her own idea of becoming a better person. For girl B, choosing friends means choosing to surround herself with girls that are principled, intelligent, hardworking etc.  In both situations, both girls have chosen who they want to be associated with based on their idea of what friendship should be all about...does that make any of them wrong?

I try very hard not to judge people...but i personally have a SPECIFIC definition of friendship and unfortunately it does not include users and social climbers. In as much as i believe people should choose their friends, i don’t thinks its fair to get close to someone solely for the purpose of ‘gaining’ from them or exploiting them.  Friendship is a relationship that involves two people who individually have something to offer...it’s not a one way street where one party  keeps taking and never gives anything back in return.

Due to the fact that i have been exposed to users in the past, i am able to spot a user miles away....let’s just say my user-radar is super efficient.

The Art of Repackaging

The business of getting married is a very serious one. It is probably more serious than the Biafra war that took place in the late 60s.  The desperation to get married has definitely allowed a lot of young women express creative genes they never knew existed. This is sheer proof that humanity will do things to adapt to their environment and so this is not too far from Darwin’s theory of evolution. In Nigeria, this jungle is chaotic and its all about survival of the fittest in the race to get married. One of the creative expressions that always amuses me is the art of repackaging. I have a definition. Allow me:

The art of repackaging is an unspoken rule which states that a Nigerian woman who has had a very dodgy past, becomes this new creation solely by changing certain attributes on the exterior and pretends what is seen on the outside is also what is on the inside.

The characteristics of such a woman includes:

Withholding sex: Yes! She has spent most of her teenage and university years giving guys free milk and realised a lot of them didn’t want to buy the cow. So she decides to hold off sex with the guy she desperately wants to marry all because she wants him to think she is a good girl with principles. This usually never happens with men in the same circle. This woman is smart as she finds a new crowd to socialise in. Some women take it a step further by breaking all old ties and making new friends while some others drastically reduce association with old friends just so they save face. A lot of men always fall for this trick and why they do is a different story entirely.

Church/choir girl: lets face it, rebranding always works. Image has an effect in this world we live in. This is why even though we all know kim kardashian is a slut who got popular through a sex tape, she has become one of the most googled personalities in modern time. Why is this? Rebranding rebranding rebranding. She has been rebranded from sex video slut to a reality TV star. She shows us exactly what she wants us to think of her on her show and steps out in outfits that will be talked about and dates men that will always keep her relevant. What all this has done is slowly made people look at her more as a business woman/TV star/Fashionista/Model than a slut with a sex tape.

Yeah..this same analogy applies to the repackaged church girl. Soon you will all forget her philandering ways and go on about how she is a bible reading, tongues speaking , dedicated Christian youth leader.

Submissive:  she will let you think she is the most submissive woman in the world. She will cook, clean, never argue and hardly put up a fight, let you get away with things, never nag you etc. These women are smart and if they can fake an orgasm and make you believe it, heck!  They can fake just about anything.  

After she gets what she wants (marriage)..this woman will become her true self. Men always think women change after marriage. No mate, she didn’t change. Neither did she morph into this monster you see every day. She had always been that way.  She only ‘repackaged’ to get you where she wants you. Now if only you spent a lot of time deciphering her true personality. 

The Research Rant

I question research a lot of times..or rather some peoples motives for being science researchers. Do they really want to change the world or is it just for professional gain/advancement? I am a scientist because i Love it. Simple. I am passionate about it thats why i do it. Do i need money? Yes..because thats the only means of survival..but will i do research for the money?..NO!...if i wanted to just make money i will be an investment banker by now..Probably working at the front office at JP Morgan...and trust me id fit right in. BUT for me, fulfilment is more important than a six figure salary. I don’t want to be 60 years old and end up feeling VOID. I want to build a legacy...i want to contribute my bit to the world..i want my Grandkids to say ‘Grand ma was an awesome Scientist’...i want my name to live on after i am gone. Thats fulfilment.

Why all this story?  From what ive experienced in my short life, a lot of research organisations that say they want to help Africa are not DOING ENOUGH. You don’t need an eyesight to see the gaping holes. A lot of people (mostly from the west), get nice paying jobs in an international organisation based somewhere in Africa. They Love it there.  They live both their European lifestyles and get the perks of being in Africa at the same time. What do i mean? They are paid loads of money, accommodation is cheap, food is great and cheap, they usually live in towns where other expatriates are so you will most definitely find lots of fine restaurants, bars, grocery stores, cinema, malls etc. At the same time they enjoy the wild life, hiking on mountains, swimming in hot springs, rural road trips and to top it all up, MAID SERVICE which includes cooking, cleaning, washing etc. A service they NEVER get in the west unless of course you are Blair Waldorf and live on the Upper East Side in Manhattan.

What i have seen is a lot of these people don’t IMMERSE themselves into the community they are meant to be carrying out ‘interventions’ on. How can you not immerse yourself in a community you are trying to help? How will you understand the problems the locals face if most of your time you are behind a desk on your laptop or having barbecues and going on hikes?

There is a HUGE DISCONNECT.

From what i have seen, its no wonder some of these interventions never work anyways. But who cares? Their governments will still raise funds for more research and they will be on to the next big African disease.  A lot don’t spend more than 1-2 years in one organisation; they hop from one African country to the next, building their CVs and publishing papers without actually building capacity. Now i know in some countries, ‘capacity building’ is just theoretical...it takes time and commitment from international organisation for this to actually happen. ..sadly...until i experience capacity building in Africa first hand...its still theoretical to me.  Maybe it does happen..but im not one to speak about what i have not experienced. Sure, i see people speak about doing this in papers but from my experience, i have not seen it YET.  I have seen it happening in Thailand...not anywhere in Africa. Seeing is believing...until then.

About a Boy...an Australian Boy.

I am currently at the airport in Johannesburg from Manzini waiting for my flight back to London...Its a 5hr airport waiting time. I have already had an express massage (head shoulder back and foot) and i am currently having lunch at the News cafe. I ordered a chicken, bacon and mozzarella wrap which ended up being very dry and not so tasty. I also ordered a skinny latte which equally tasted like crap. I am very fussy about food so yes...that was a waste. Anyway the highlight of my News cafe experience was meeting an Australian woman. She sat opposite me...tall, lovely fashion sense, blonde and well toned. I could tell she works out a lot. Her stilettos were cute..i noticed it when she crossed her legs to use her pink ipad. This woman is probably in her late 30s or early 40s.  As i waited for what ended up being a horrible order, i saw her crying...awkward. So what do i say to a stranger sitting opposite  me with tears streaming down? At first i thought it must have been  man issues...i mean only men can make a grown woman cry in a public place.  I couldn’t just ignore her because as you will come to find, i am an absolutely caring individual. So i asked what the problem was. She told me she was a teacher and she just learnt from facebook that one of her students in Australia had been beaten  to death by a gang of men near a pub. This was unprovoked.

I rushed to her side to console this blonde stranger. She wasn’t expecting that and kept apologising if her tears made me feel uncomfortable. She told me he was 19, bright, young, and just got a scholarship to University. She taught him Maths, English and Science. She saw him everyday and got to know him because according to her, when kids are given assignments, they pour out their hearts and so you kind of know about them from what they write. I was very happy for her to cry on my shoulder and tell me about this young man who had his bright future taken away from him by a bunch of drunk men probably. She couldn’t understand how in a country thats so developed, a privileged young man got killed just like that. I thought to myself...he was just a victim ..in the wrong place at the wrong time. This got me thinking about TIMING and how peoples lives could change in a matter of seconds ..but thats a story for another day.

After the sad moments we got talking about what we do and where we were travelling to. She is a teacher thats carrying out research to change the education system in Australia...IMPRESSIVE. She said the current system is outdated and hasn’t evolved...that kids that can cram get more credit and this shouldn't be the case. She feels that students need to be graded based on creativity...not just regurgitation. I couldn’t agree more. She said the problems in the world keep getting more and more complicated and what we need are creative students that can think out of the box...not a bunch of zombies.  After this she spoke of her work in Rwanda and Tanzania and how every time she travels to any African country, she never wants to go back home. She misses her flights on purpose because she learns  a lot from Africans. She said she learns how to LOVE from Africans.  She expressed how in Europe people just walk around like zombies and have no family values or sense of togetherness and she finds its the opposite in Africa. She said she LEARNS a lot from Africans...not the other way round...she learns how to LOVE and how to be human

Immediately it hit me. This woman was like me.  She is not disconnected from the realities of this earth. She is a researcher who teaches and finds a way to balance her passion for research and the scary world out there. She doesn’t get carried away by grants, what funders want, or just getting published for the sake of it. She is PASSIONATE...thats what drives her...and she cares a lot for all her students...she told me she loved every single one..but as a teacher you cant tell them that directly because its wrong to do so ( i doubt anyone wants to be accused of ‘flirting with a student’).

The last thing she said to me was she finds it terribly difficult to go back home when she sees the poverty and suffering going on in Rwanda. I felt her pain. That moment i realized there are inhumane issues happening all over the world. That’s why an innocent and privileged 19yr old Australian boy can get killed a couple of blocks away from home.. and a Rwandan girl gets raped and gets HIV and a child which she ends up abandoning. There are issues everywhere in the world and it takes passionate people like this blonde lady to solve the problems. I think Career paths should be chosen by passion and not grades. if that was the case i feel the world we live in would be very different.

R.I.P Dear Australian Boy.