Truth Hurts

I was watching my favourite show on BET, 'the game' and this song started playing in the background. I had no clue who the artist was but thanks to good old Google, i found out. The well written lyrics and lovely voice got me hooked. After a few replays, the lyrics got me thinking. In the song, Katlynn sings about refusing to believe the truth of the infidelity of her beau and preferring a lie to that reality.

This got me thinking about a lot of relationships today in Nigeria where some women would rather turn a blind eye to the infidelity of their partner. Some women  really prefer not to know the truth because they probably feel what they do not know wouldn't hurt them. I really cannot understand why a person would rather live a lie. I would rather know the truth and get hurt. Pain is not always a bad thing. Sometimes one needs pain to grow. Getting hurt would ensure the same mistakes are not made again and would allow for one to make better choices next time. Of course, there are some women who go through the same experiences over and over again without learning. Generally, people should not see getting hurt as the end of the world. I'd rather get hurt than live a lie with a cheating man. Women need to know and understand that they deserve better. They really do.

Even though i dont quite agree with 'living a lie', i honestly do enjoy the song. This is the effect of raw talent which cannot be denied.

xoxo

OH....MAKI OH!

There are very few Nigerian Designers that really impress me. I am by no means ANNA WINTOUR but i do like my fashion and i do criticize a lot (Why not if i have to spend my money on fashion pieces?). I cant really mention a lot of Nigerian Designers that have wowed me lately but MAKI OH always does. This woman really understands the art of dress making. I love the attention to detail and the structure of each piece. I see myself in all pieces  (a rare occurrence) and for that i say kudos to Amaka Osakwe. Absolutely Stunning. Now where can i purchase number 1, 4, and 5 anyone?

Clean..Classy..Cut....J'adore!

xoxo

RIP Chinua Achebe

Today, we lost a great Nigerian visionary. Chinua Achebe has influenced so many great writers all over the world and has touched the lives of many young people in and out of the literary scene. I grew up reading his books and i personally felt i knew him. He was someone i respected dearly mostly because he stood for something, had values and integrity. I particularly loved the fact that he refused a National Honour TWICE. It showed that there were more important things to him than recieving an honour from leaders who have been unimpressive and dubious. He did not compromise his integrity and i respect him for that. He made African literature what it is now and was never afraid to express his opinions or serve his country. He was a man of the people, loved by many. To think he wrote 'things fall apart' at the age of 27 is nothing short of  inspiring.

Here is my best quote:

'One of the truest tests of intergrity is its blunt refusal to be compromised' -Chinua Achebe

And he lived by every word of it. Africa has lost a great man. More importantly, the Igbos have lost a father, a great leader and a visionary.

 RIP Chinualumogu Achebe.

The English Nurse

I spent my whole day at the Hepatology Unit of the Royal free Hospital in Hampstead. If i had to rate hospitals in London this would be my best. There is something so different about this place..i cant seem to put a finger on it. I have been on numerous visits to what seems to be a million hospitals but i have never experienced the hard work the nurses do. I mean, i know what nurses do in theory but experiencing it today was a whole different thing. Nurses over here work so hard. They do all the dirty jobs doctors do not do and they are always so warm and pleasant whilst doing it.

The secondary care unit had a lot of patients who needed a lot of care and monitoring and quite frankly, i became exhausted just watching them do their job as its so demanding and challenging..but they did it with so much joy and a huge smile on their face all the time. I also cannot forget the burst of energy and sense of humour they all had. I think all nurses that work in secondary care units should be paid a lot of money and given bonuses for the amount of work they put it. My respect for nurses has tripled due to this experience and it is my hope that the general public give them the respect they deserve. In my opinion, they should be getting similar respect as some doctors do eg (GP's). Infact, i respect English nurses more than i do Nigerian doctors.  Id probably get a telling off for this but hey, after my experience today, this is my current standing.  All hail the English Nurse :)

Everyday Male Chauvinism

It has come to my realisation that often men dont understand that being chauvinistic has terrible consequences. In societies where cultural norms allow for it to persist, its usually always has detrimental effects on women and also on the relationships they have with the men. In Nigeria, the society condones chauvinism in all forms and usually when a woman speaks up against it she is called a 'feminist'. i think its important for people to analyse situations objectively without any sentiments attached. If you want a happy relationship then its important that you also have to create an environment that will foster happiness. Written below is part of a research paper by two men, Luis Bonino and Péter Szil on male chauvinism. They stress that all extreme forms of violence against women always starts with everyday male chauvinism and works itself up the pyramid as time goes on. So for example, if your partner has already started abusing you verbally (including name calling, or anything that may hurt your feelings), then he is two steps away from a push and you are 5 steps away from getting your bones broken. of course this could happen in the span of 10 years. What i found interesting is the way psychologists map the presence of male chauvinism in a woman's life. According to them, when a woman feels very bad without even knowing why she feels that way... that's the starting point. (she doesnt know because she herself does not recognise the effect of male chauvinism. (if you cant recognise that something has an effect on you then you will be oblivious to it)

Continue to read below... 

The various forms of violence against women are possible to display in many forms. Either as gradual and sometimes not clearly separable shades of a continuous scale or, as in the figure provided, as levels of a pyramid or iceberg. Everyday male chauvinism is the starting point of this scale, or the basis of the pyramid—the soil on which other forms of gender based violence thrive. 

The practices that I call everyday male chauvinism various authors (Miller, Bourdieu, Glick, Castanéda, etc.) call various names: small tyranny, intimate terrorism, “soft,” “weak” or “lowintensity” violence, domination tricks, invisible male chauvinism or benevolent sexism. The more unacceptable “brutal” violence becomes as a form of domination, the more these practices become men’s most commonly used weapons, tricks, traps through which they create the same dominance with “civilised” means. This way, these constitute the largest part of the repertoire of male behaviours against women.

The effect of everyday male chauvinism 

The various manifestations of everyday male chauvinism seem insignificant and banal when taken separately. Their significance lies in the fact that if the woman does not recognise them in time and does not do something against them (and some times years pass before that happens, if ever) their compound and repeated use creates a more or less poisonous atmosphere that undermines women’s life energy, psychic and intellectual equilibrium and autonomy. This is how everyday male chauvinism creates the conditions of women being continuously at the disposal of men.  One reason for the effectiveness of everyday male chauvinism is that it is almost absolutely invisible. This is how it can do insidious and continuous harm to women’s lives, which is only aggravated as time passes. Because women are facing actions that are not obviously abusive or coercive, they have difficulty recognising them and that is exactly why it is difficult to address them. Most of the time, they are not even aware of their effects, thus when they sense the harmful effects, they do not recognise that  they result from the manipulative manoeuvres. The first step in mapping everyday male chauvinism was when the professionals who were helping women asked themselves the question: why do so many 

women feel bad without being able to say why? 

The effect of everyday male chauvinism on women 

For some women, irrespective of their personal characteristics, the manifestations of everyday male chauvinism causes effects that are similar to those of the more severe brutal forms of abuse, they are only lower in intensity. Here are some examples of the consequences, which affect women’s quality of life on various levels, but always adversely:  Overburdens the woman physically and psychically, deprives her of the emotional supplies that she could use to satisfy her own needs and for her own sustenance.  Decreases the woman’s personal power, slows down her personal growth, limits her freedom and increasingly elicits ineffective self-defence reactions such as complaining, which can only increase with time if no change takes place in their causes.  Inhibits the woman’s intellectual capacities, courage, abilities of effective criticism, protest, thinking and action and so makes the woman incapable of working out  and implementing her own life-plan.  Decreases the woman’s self-esteem and credence before herself. Because of the growing dejection and insecurity, the woman feels incompetent, a loser, emotionally detached and helpless.  Causes undefined discontentment and chronic irritation. The woman feels she has had enough of the relationship although “she has no reason” to feel so.  Women blame themselves for this feeling because they are not aware of its origin. The effect of everyday male chauvinism on relationships The manoeuvres of everyday male chauvinism have the following effects on relationships:  An unequal, antidemocratic and badly working relationship comes about where the man’s self-determination and personal growth is realised at the expense of the woman’s.  Step by step, the man’s interests are focused on in the relationship. In the wake of the manoeuvres of everyday male chauvinism, women often leave everything up to the man for whom it becomes even easier to influence situations the way he likes.  As soon as the woman demands changes in the relationship and the man is reluctant to move towards equality in exercising the rights, or when the woman is forced to complain ineffectively, which the man will not listen to, the deterioration or crisis of the relationship will be considered the woman’s sin. Women often sense that something is not working right in the relationship but men deny this. The deterioration of the relationship usually comes from the lack of equality, to which everyday male chauvinism contributes largely. However, if this reason cannot be pointed out, the woman will blame herself as she has been socialised to do so in learning the female role. The man, on the other hand, who does not consider himself an everyday male chauvinist, will not feel responsible for the situation and will seem innocent.  Living together without discussion and cooperation turns the relationship into a battlefield of “cold war” where the woman lives in constant stress. The emptying out of the relationship gives rise to further power abuses and break-up. 

ADA...The Igbo first daughter

I have been learning a lot about my culture this past year. Living in England makes it difficult for me to learn as much as i'd like to but when i get the opportunity, i never let it pass me by. Today i learnt about the many roles of a first daughter (Ada) in Igbo  land. One of the roles of an Ada which i found rather interesting is this:

When a man dies without a male child, the Ada does not get married. She stays back and selects lovers with whom she cohabits to beget children on behalf of her dead father. The children thus raised will take over her fathers property but most importantly, the children will continue the fathers name. This is how important a male child is in Igbo culture. Without a male child, a mans last name will become extinct as all the female children will get married and bear their husbands last name.

This tradition is no longer practiced by the way. This used to happen decades ago..although i will not be surprised if this still happens in some rural parts of Igbo land. I guess modernization has helped a lot..and so a lot of archaic practices are extinct. Whats all the fuss about a male child anyway? Society is a very interesting human construct. 

The Art of Repackaging

The business of getting married is a very serious one. It is probably more serious than the Biafra war that took place in the late 60s.  The desperation to get married has definitely allowed a lot of young women express creative genes they never knew existed. This is sheer proof that humanity will do things to adapt to their environment and so this is not too far from Darwin’s theory of evolution. In Nigeria, this jungle is chaotic and its all about survival of the fittest in the race to get married. One of the creative expressions that always amuses me is the art of repackaging. I have a definition. Allow me:

The art of repackaging is an unspoken rule which states that a Nigerian woman who has had a very dodgy past, becomes this new creation solely by changing certain attributes on the exterior and pretends what is seen on the outside is also what is on the inside.

The characteristics of such a woman includes:

Withholding sex: Yes! She has spent most of her teenage and university years giving guys free milk and realised a lot of them didn’t want to buy the cow. So she decides to hold off sex with the guy she desperately wants to marry all because she wants him to think she is a good girl with principles. This usually never happens with men in the same circle. This woman is smart as she finds a new crowd to socialise in. Some women take it a step further by breaking all old ties and making new friends while some others drastically reduce association with old friends just so they save face. A lot of men always fall for this trick and why they do is a different story entirely.

Church/choir girl: lets face it, rebranding always works. Image has an effect in this world we live in. This is why even though we all know kim kardashian is a slut who got popular through a sex tape, she has become one of the most googled personalities in modern time. Why is this? Rebranding rebranding rebranding. She has been rebranded from sex video slut to a reality TV star. She shows us exactly what she wants us to think of her on her show and steps out in outfits that will be talked about and dates men that will always keep her relevant. What all this has done is slowly made people look at her more as a business woman/TV star/Fashionista/Model than a slut with a sex tape.

Yeah..this same analogy applies to the repackaged church girl. Soon you will all forget her philandering ways and go on about how she is a bible reading, tongues speaking , dedicated Christian youth leader.

Submissive:  she will let you think she is the most submissive woman in the world. She will cook, clean, never argue and hardly put up a fight, let you get away with things, never nag you etc. These women are smart and if they can fake an orgasm and make you believe it, heck!  They can fake just about anything.  

After she gets what she wants (marriage)..this woman will become her true self. Men always think women change after marriage. No mate, she didn’t change. Neither did she morph into this monster you see every day. She had always been that way.  She only ‘repackaged’ to get you where she wants you. Now if only you spent a lot of time deciphering her true personality. 

Chivalry is dead and Nigerian women killed it

Chivalry is dead I say…and Nigerian women killed it. You might be wondering why I feel this way, please allow me recount an incident which I know is a common occurrence in today’s society.

Recently, one of my bootilicious friends gave a presentation to a company committee made up of men in their 50s and early 60s. Her presentation was met with positivity as well as stares at her assets rather than at the slides she used to pitch her proposal. As she left the building, one of the committee members sent his very educated female personal assistant to catch up with her to ask for her number as he was interested in making her his mistress. She narrated this story to me with complete normalcy and was taken aback by the shock and disbelief on my face.

I said stuttering: “H-o-w? Has he no shame?”

Her response was: “Babe, its normal.”

“Normal? NORMAL?!” I responded in a raised voice. At this point I lowered my voice so as not to continue the scene that had already been created in the café.

When did it become okay for married men to chase after girls their daughter’s age? When did all this become normal? Why does a married man feel so comfortable chasing after a young woman as though he is entitled to do so?  So I say again, chivalry is dead, but who died first—the gentleman or the lady? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? What are the implications on society of this kind of behaviour? The moral question and the chain reaction it causes must be understood and answered for our generation to move forward. It all starts with US, ‘US’ being my fellow women.

Our society’s moral decay has been catalyzed by the materialistic twist our generation has taken which is further perpetrated by the media.  Sadly, our women have bought into it. Our ladies today do not know who they are. Unfortunately, they are victims and simultaneously the product of TV and the media without a personality to call their own or a sense of self. One would wonder if God didn’t create us with unique finger prints.

These ladies go on to form cliques of non-thinking individuals who further aspire to all the media says they should be.  In the chase to express superficial excess as opposed to inner wealth, they do all they can to keep up.

Herein comes the guy; our society produces boys not men, boys who know how to speak the language of shortcut and ladies who understand this language as well, and are more than receptive. Show me your champagne bottle and nice car and I’ll show you my ass and all things soft and nice. Today’s boys believe by all means money has to be made. Money brings the girls, the cars and the clothes. Our society has turned to one of clones. Once we were all bankers, then we went in to telecoms, diverted into ‘yahoo-yahoo’, now we all sell diesel and make music, yet we say ‘Nigeria is bad’, ‘Nigeria is terrible’ but does Nigeria stand a chance in the hands of our generation of clones?

Materialism is the killer of morality and morality is the oxygen of a healthy society. Without it we can’t breathe. Sadly once you get on the ‘follow- follow’ train it never stops – it’s all about who gets married first, what is his family name, how much does he make, have you had kids, do you have a son and it goes on and on.

Breathe my people, breathe. Chivalry is dead and the Nigerian woman watched it die. We as women control society; we are more than homemakers—WE MAKE SOCIETY. Let’s imagine if ladies in secondary school and university only dated the smart guys who spent their time in the library, it would be safe to say the library would overflow: A-students would triple and men in general would spend more time with their books in a bid to develop themselves internally, as opposed to external ‘bling’ to bait women as though they were trying to catch fish.

Ladies if we demanded class, decorum, humility, etiquette and politeness as a prerequisite to a liaison rather than outward riches, designer surnames and fast cars we might cease to go nowhere fast. Sadly on what basis can we make such demands? Aside from your long Brazilian hair, designer bags and red carpet looks, who are you. WHO ARE YOU??!!

To answer this question, life should be lived as a journey of self-discovery as opposed to a media determined fake reality. The knowledge of self, your true self will show you self-worth. Self-worth will support morals and morals will allow our society breathe again.

Breathe my people, breathe.